news just in - the pilot who looped the loop in a jumbo jet over new york with president obama on board has been charged with criminal damage.  mrs obama hit her head on the mini-bar and ruined her hair.  but the pilot is unconcerned.  he told reporters he had been inundated with offers to take gordon the brown on a one way flight to the artic circle… for an aerobatics display.

meanwhile, politicians have inundated surgeons with requests for treatment following the success of the recent face transplant on an american woman.  first in the queue was vladimir putin who says he wants to look like johnny depp.  a spokesman for mister depp said:  ‘if that happens, my client will have an operation to look like hillary clinton.’  life could get very confusing, folks …

MPs in britain are upset over reports that they are ripping off the taxpayer by claiming expenses for things like bath plugs and television sets and second homes.  but they are refusing to write to the newspapers unless they can claim the cost of the stamp.