everyone says 'happy christmas' but it's not so easy when you end up with a stomach ache from overeating, a headache from all the cooking sherry, and earache from all the family ...
so, how to really enjoy christmas?
settle back, and i'll tell you.

>> dress up as father christmas and everyone will smile at you, but won't come near in case you are a pervert - which means you'll have a nice quiet time

>> add a strong laxative to the sherry trifle  thus ensuring that the party games will be very brief

>> record the queen's speech and replay it on a loop until everyone gives up and goes home

>> change the lock on the toilet door and stock up with newspapers and magazines so you can have quiet interludes (if that's the right expression)

>> add pepper to the christmas crackers and watch with amusement as your party guests spin round in circles and crash through the patio doors while hanging grimly onto their pink plastic keyrings

>> turn your christmas turkey into an obscene sculpture with the aid of a jumbo sausage and two black puddings

>> suggest a game of hide and seek where everyone has to count up to three million before they come and find you

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!

this latest edition of HOW TO ... was sponsored by the makers of the HOLLY WHOOPEE CUSHION - 'get double the fun this christmas!  watch with glee as your friends injure themselves on the sharp holly leaves, and laugh yourself silly at the loud screaming noise they make!'