she's back from the kwiksave beauty salon, looking like a picture (by picasso).
her hair has got more bleach on it than i use to clean the toilet.
her lips are so puckered she looks like she's a haddock hooked on a fishing line.
she's wearing so much foundation on her cheeks i'm sure her eyes have sunk.
and her bust has been lifted so high she can hardly see the double full english breakfast laid out before her.

as you may have guessed, doris has been signed up to add glamour and excitement to 'strictly come dancing', now that john sergeant has retired to write a book about his experiences and to star in his own series of 'strictly come con the public'.  doris will be partnered by ant and dec, simply because she is more than one man can cope with.

bruce forsyth is rumoured to be on a sanatogen drip to give him the strength he needs.
and austin healey sprite has decided to button up his shirt in case doris finds it attractive.

i understand doris's first dance will be the rumble - most people know it as the rumba, but the way doris does it, i think this is a more accurate description.
she's trying on her dress in a minute.
a team of five sumo wrestlers are trying to haul three acres of glittery spandex from the pick up truck now, ready for her fitting out ceremony.

needless to say, i won't be in the audience.  i have a prior engagement in the remote wastes of siberia.