don't be glum!  don't panic!  it's the HOW TO guide the world has been waiting for!
gordon brown, bush and just about every minor political figure you can think of has been asking me to write this (partly because they're suffering too - did you know the value of 10 downing street has gone down half a million?  you could buy it for 150 thousand now. really!)

anyway, this edition is sponsored by BODGIT BANK, formed by the merger of the international monetary fund and richard branson's wallet ...
you want a loan? no problem? can't afford to repay instalments? we'll still lend you the cash! so call us now!

so sit back, relax, don't bother reading the newspaper you can't afford to buy, and let me help you through the world financial crisis ...

  1. pack a suitcase and look for a vacant allotment. you'll be able to live quite happily in the garden shed, and think of the healthy fruit and veg you'll be able to pick, all completely FREE!
  2. if your manager makes you redundant knock her or him unconscious and steal their identity.  simply put your own details into their handbag or wallet, and when he or she wakes up - sack him/her!  and think of the instant payrise you've earned!
  3. don't shop at 'cheap' supermarkets any more. go to expensive little shops where you won't be tempted to buy anything.  you'll save a fortune on the housekeeping!
  4. treat yourself! there's nothing better than a bit of pampering when times are tough!  why not join the national express world tour, which is leaving from a bus station near you. a ticket only costs £30 and you'll see the world in only 25 years, with frequent toilet stops.
  5. earn some extra money by busking. sing songs from the shows loudly and out of tune in the high street and traders will pay you to move on! 
  6. increase the value of your home by carryng out improvements.  for example, buy some bamboo canes and a jumbo box of cling film and build yourself an instant conservatory. don't forget to cut a hole in it for the door, otherwise the building inspectors will not approve it.
  7. save money at christmas and dig out last year's unwanted gifts - then simply wrap them up again and give them back to the person who bought them for you last year! they'll be thrilled at your thoughtfulness!
so there you have it. just follow my tips and you'll be fine. do let me know how you get on, won't you?

toodle pip!