doris whispered into my ear - i know something you don't know.

so do i - i replied, confusingly.

bet your secret isn't as interesting as mine, she replied after some thought and a bite of a bounty.

'tis too, i quipped petulantly.

tell me then.

won't - you first.

doris walked furtively to the door, and stepped outside suddenly, her head darting left and right as if she was trying to cross the M25 on a friday afternoon. then she scurried back to my side and told me ...

her big secret (yawn) was that that kev the chauffeur has got a crush on me.
but i already knew that.  in fact, he asked me to marry him once, and i said i couldn't because i had to take the ferret to the vets for a vasectomy.
no, the vet wasn't having the vasectomy ...

anyway, doris was gagging to know my secret.
so i went off to make a cup of tea.

i'm going to make her wait.

and you.