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(all right - who said 'get on with it'?)

right, here we go ...

the olympic games closing ceremony was cancelled at the last minute because everyone had gone home.
'they rightly thought that the games were over,' said a spokesperson. 'however we have managed to shanghai about two million people from neighbouring villages to pose as athletes. and sarah brightman is going to pose as a popular singer.'

boris johnson has revealed that speed eating will be confirmed as an olympic sport in time for the 2012 london games.  'we want to open up new opportunities for participation,' he said. 'people who enjoy their food should not be discriminated against.'  he also confimed that cycle racing will be carried out on the streets of london and bonus points would be awarded for overtaking taxis, and cycling blindfold along regent street pavement while eating a burger and talking on a mobile phone.

the bbc has confirmed it is scrapping all weather forecasts in favour of a video recording .... 'there will be scattered showers and sunny periods just about everywhere at various times.  it might be windy, especially by the coasts.  and some of the showers might be heavy and prolonged.'

green transport was given a major boost with news that a new five lane canal is to be dug from glasgow to london.  a new high speed narrowboat service promises to whisk passengers at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour, generating sufficient wave energy to power a dentists drill in neasden.

village idiots restaurant is offering three meals for the price of four.

gordon the brown is planning a september relaunch for the isle of britain's economy. he's going to resign. then he's going to kill tony blair for setting him up.