my scientists are working hard to make life better on the isle of kevin.
so far, they have invented dogs that clean up their own mess;  toasters that pop the toast out ready buttered; a teapot that doesn't drip half the contents on your best trousers; and a supermarket trolley that folds down into the boot of your car, with all your shopping in it.

but i have today set them a new challenge.
i want the scientific formula for happiness.

the starting point was my lunch.
afterwards, i had an ice cream wafer made with askeys wafers (25p a packet) and good old fashioned and cheap walls ice cream.
and for five minutes at least, i was happy.

i tried to work it out myself... so if a wafer equals m, and walls ice cream is c, and happiness is h:  we have the magic formula
m + c = h.
i was quite excited about this, until my boffins twitched (don't worry, i'm seeing the doctor about it).
they pointed out that other factors go to make up happiness.
like what?
well, they said - being in love, having a faithful loving pet, collecting stamps, watching 'countdown' - the list is endless, they said.

so i said rather cleverly - don't bring me problems, bring me solutions.
so they gave me a solution of water and salt that made me sick and very unhappy.

after that, i gave them a dose of their own medicine and ordered them to come up with the magic formula by tomorrow.
the feeling of power made me happy, too.