this is the world leaders' staple diet on sundays - i supply the words and they find someone half intelligent to read it out to them.
i thought it was high time i shared it with you, my true friends and loyal subjects.
so here it is ...

a british woman is facing six years in prison for having sex on a public beach in dubai.
apparently, everyone thought all the donkey rides had finished for the day.

people in america are holding prayer sessions in the belief that this may help prices to come down.
while they're doing that, born again pump attendants are letting their tyres down.

a school in england has banned the three-legged race and the sack race from its sports days, on safety grounds.
there is an increased risk of childen falling over, it said.
the javelin and pole vault are being brought in to take their place.

a british pensioner has produced what may be the world's biggest family tree, with 10,000 relatives and ancestors.
it hasn't made much difference to his life, though.
not one of them likes him.

heathrow terminal 5 is still mislaying more than 900 bags every day.
but it's not quite as bad as it sounds - most of them turn up either in the ladies or at the perfume counter.
the publishers apologise slightly and in very small print for any offence that may be caused by this article.

more next week, whether you like it or not.