i'm the titular head of state - which explains why my subjects shout tit head as i drive past in my convertible reliant robin (converted from a wheelie bin).

i can tell they love me by the way they raise a finger to signify that i am number one to them.

i'm touched.
and speaking of being touched, doris has been making strange overtures lately - and i'm not talking beethoven's fifth, it's more like doris's twentieth. she is so persistent - following me everywhere, wanting to hold hands, hanging round my neck even though i fall over under the weight every time.

it was only later today that i realised why.

i've got a couple of macaroons in my pocket.

anyway, i can tell you now - no way are those macaroons leaving my trousers.  they're mine....

doris?
doris!
stop it!
you can have a chocolate brazil if you leave my macaroons alone...

sorry, got to go.
she's insatiable.