i knew doris was feeling frisky when she cleaned her teeth this morning.
she never cleans her teeth - doesn't want to wear them out.
i told her that all dentures wear out, especially if you buy them at a car boot sale.
they don't even fit her very well.
but it works in a way - she's always got a broad smile, which is nice for the guests.

not only that, though, she smelled rather interesting when she came down from her bath (or was it a reservoir?).
i sniffed the air cautiously and got the distinct hint of something pleasant mixed in with the normal 'eau de damp dog' she is famous for.
she minced up close to me, and i could identify the pong straight away - it was my aftershave ... the one i got from the hai karate seconds shop.

then she offered to do me a steak and asked me how i'd like it.
edible, i said.
she hit me with a soup ladle, which set off a strange haunting sound not unlike a tuning fork - this set off vibrations which cracked my glasses and dislodged two vertebrae. i fell to the ground.  doris got the wrong idea and threw herself onto me.  my stomach was squeezed into my head, and my whole lunch passed before my eyes. 

when i came to, doris was sizzling my sausages.
what happened to my steak, i croaked pitifully.
she confessed that she tenderised it as she fell onto me and decided it was too good to waste on me, so she ate it.

i lurched back onto my feet and leaned wearily on the primus stove.
i knocked the whole thing over and a pan of sausage, onion and beans landed on my head.
last thing i remember, doris was licking me all over.

roll on monday.