welcome to the latest in my exclusive series of HOW TO guides.
this edition is sponsored by POLYFILLA and their new range of anti-wrinkle products, each of which come with a FREE BUCKET AND TROWEL - making it even easier to apply the new POLYFILLA flexible crack fillers. because you're worth it ...  and wrinkly, let's face it.

anyway, by popular demand, here are my tips on how to stay young. it seems many of you are worried by sagging bits and wrinkles the depth of a railway cutting. but fear not - just follow my advice and you'll be younger than - er - a young person.

  1. wet your bed at least twice a week - but please remember to get someone older than you to change the sheets
  2. rub 'i can't believe it's not butter' into your face every morning to encourage spots - it also helps moisturise your skin (warning - wear a net over your face in summer to keep the flies off).  now you can pop your spots at the bus stop with all the other teenagers.
  3. stay in bed until at least 2pm at weekends - this has the extra benefit of making it easier to achieve the first objective in our list
  4. take up a new hobby that puts you in contact with younger people - hopscotch is good, or downloading mobile phone ringtones
  5. suck your thumb while fidgetting in the underwear department
  6. keep up to date with the best selling music and make sure you know the words to the current number one - tip:  you might try writing the words out in large letters, especially if you are really old
  7. never wear your dentures in public - take them out and tell everyone you lost all your teeth at an extreme poker game yesterday
  8. wear lots of thick make up but try not to smile or stand too close to a radiator
  9. eat well - try the five a day method... one each at burger king, mcdonalds, kfc, your local chip shop, and dunkin donuts
  10. keep fit - don't walk up the stairs, you'll be knackered - take the lift or jump on someone's back and get carried
follow my advice and the secret of youth will be yours.  and don't forget, if you really feel a hopeless case, just buy a large baby's dummy and shove it in your mouth - but make sure it is big enough to hide your whole face.