she put so much nivea on herself (well, i took time off from delousing the cat to give her a hand) that when she lay down, three polar bears decided to take up residence on her back.
she didn't so much bathe as sizzle.
at one stage, i was charging 50p to tourists to come and have a look.
we all laughed about it.
she'll never get a tan like that, we cried.
but she had the last laugh.
she lay there for 12 hours having a whale of a time - eating chocolates quickly before they melted, just to keep her energy up.
now she's just shuffled into my parlour looking a lovely shade of brown.

i complimented her on her bronzed good looks.
she gritted her teeth (she has two - bottom and top) and informed me that this was because kev the chauffeur had just thrown a bucket of pig swill over her.
why did he do that, i enquired with amazing self control - though i was biting my lip and gurning to stave off the laughter.
you'd better ask him yourself, she replied, and thundered off up the stairs.  soon after i heard a sound not unlike a ship being launched as she leapt into the bath.

enter, kev the chauffeur, covered from head to toe in nivea cream, and nothing else.
she's a feisty one and no mistake, he smiled, puffing contentedly on his cheroot.
turns out that kev offered to give her a good tanning, in his usual subtle style.  doris gave a seductive smile and he threw the pig swill over her.  she responded by sitting on him, stripping him, and covering him with nivea.

by the look on his face, kev definitely got the better of it.
this time ...

honestly! those two!