doris was just giving me my annual pedicure - i like my toenails LONG because my shoes are a few sizes too big and i don't like to waste them, you see.
anyway, she had just switched off the black and decker hedge trimmer, having scythed a few inches off, when there's a knock on the door, and flossie waddles in - a vision in skintight jeans and a vest so stretched it looked like clingfilm.
i was immediately reminded of the time i asked the butcher to shrink wrap a pig.

i know i'm cruel, but flossie deserves it - she was so rude.
apparently she was annoyed with doris with running off with the most handsome man at the black pudding disco last night.
i gather he was called kevin but beyond that, i couldn't tell you much more, apart from the fact that he had a big wad.
of cash.

so while i'm putting my socks on, and doris is trying to sweep up toe nail shards, flossie is jumping up and down with her irritation showing.
and when flossie imitates a pogo stick, we invariably get a call from the earthquake alert centre in san diego.

i'd had enough of her by this stage, and booted her out.
more accurately, i ordered three man eating tigers from the chinese herbalist, and they chased her away.

i just caught a glimpse of her trying to shin up a giant redwood, then winced as i heard the sound of splintering wood.
the last time i looked, she was 300 feet in the air, hair streaming behind her, as the tree gave way under her weight, and toppled towards the abattoir.

serves her right.

now, where was i?