by popular demand (my great nephew's second cousin twice removed asked me, if you must know), the return of my kingly HOW TO series.
this edition is sponsored by STAY DRY UNDERWEAR, manufacturers of a unique range of undies that stay dry in all conditions (warning - always wear them under your other clothes, and the guarantee is null and void if you are incontinent - or even in Swindon).

so - it's raining - you haven't got an umbrella.
how on earth are you going to stay dry...

  1. go to the post office to buy stamps - you'll be queueing for hours and the shower might have passed over by the time you escape
  2. steal a dustbin lid and strap it to your head with a belt
  3. mug people on their way out of the supermarket and empty their carrier bags onto the street - then stitch the bags together to form a water tight plastic mac (do this quickly to avoid detection)
  4. bend forwards so only your back gets wet (you'll find it easier to walk backwards, with your head between your legs)
  5. stand very close to someone with an umbrella and stay there as long as possible (pretend you're lonely and just want to connect with someone in a meaningful way - they'll quite understand and won't mind missing their bus)
let me know how you get on.

sponsored by STAY DRY UNDERWEAR - guaranteed to stay dry, as long as they don't get wet.