it's the day of rest, but how do you make it the day of best?
that's the thinking behind another in the world beating, best selling, humungously magnificent HOW TO series.
this edition is brought to you by the CHURCH OF SPINLAND - the church that just wants to say yes ... whatever you believe, whatever football team you support, we've got a service just for you!  make the most of your sunday - and remember, you don't even have to go to church, we come to you!
we'll send our own Archbishop round to your home for a FREE consultation!

so, sunday - how to enjoy sundays ...?

  1. have breakfast in bed - no plates, no cutlery, just eat as much as you like and chuck the crumbs and leftovers down the bottom of the bed; then when you do decide to get up in time to watch antiques roadshow, you can simply scrunch up the sheets and throw them in the bin
  2. go for a walk - but give it a purpose ... a slow stroll to the bookies with a few quid in your pocket can be very therapeutic, particularly if you manage to steal it from a busker
  3. don't like going to church? no problem! dress up as a minister of whatever religion you fancy and sing a few hymns at the top of your voice.in no time at all your neighbours will be round - so don't forget to lock your doors and windows.
  4. don't worry about trimming the grass if you are unfortunate enough to have a lawn.  stand outside the church and announce that you dropped a bag of licquorise allsorts on the lawn, wait a few moments, then run back and enjoy the spectacle as worshippers bow down and chew the grass for you
  5. sunday roasts are all well and good, but this is the day of rest, and they're bloomin' hard work to make - so, take a tip from one who knows, go round to a neighbour's house the moment you smell their meat and two veg, and just sit down while they're eating - they won't be able to resist offering to share their dinner with you - after all, it's sunday!
  6. isn't it time you tried being a sunday driver? go on! you know you want to! that's right, wind that reliant robin up to 25 mph, feel the g forces as you stall at the roundabout,  hear the roar of appreciation from fellow motorists in their shiny vauxhalls as you wait five minutes at a give way junction even though there's nothing coming.  you don't know what you've been missing!
  7. have an afternoon nap - preferably in your car while waiting at a give way sign.
  8. if you're silly enough to allow your children downstairs on sundays, give them rewarding tasks such as washing the car with a toothbrush and a glass of water; or wiring your house up to next door's electricity supply.
  9. stand at the bar of the nearest pub and wait for someone with a red face and cord trousers to go out to light his pipe, then drink his beer
  10. do a charitable act for the person you dislike the most:  set their garden shed on fire and put the fire out for them.
have a lovely, peaceful day, won't you ...