so many requests for this new edition of my world famous HOW TO ... series,  i just had to take time off from being a world leader to put finger to keyboard.
it's a competitive world, and valentine's day can be a worrying experience for some.
here then are some tips from a man of the world (that's me, by the way) - a man who just happens to have had more hot dinners than you've had lovers... at least, i think that's what i meant.

this edition is sponsored by SID'S LOVE AIDS - a new online resource for all the devices you could ever need.  special offer this week for isle of kevin visitors only is £10 off a year's supply of fluorescent condoms - they're brilliant - you can find your way to the toilet or fridge without needing to put the light on.  throw them in the garden and they make an excellent outdoor lighting display, too!

so, my hot tips ...

  1. find the ugliest person in the bus queue and snog her or him mercilessly for five minutes (or until your bus arrives) - it's great practice and you'll have the confidence to kiss anyone after that
  2. have a shower at least once every six months - nobody likes a smelly body and you can take water rationing too far - don't forget to invest in some carbolic soap, too, for those difficult to clean areas
  3. look at yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself how much you love you - if all else fails, you might end up marrying yourself
  4. buy a red rose today and hand it to the first person you meet as you step out of the florist - but do be prepared to run very quickly
  5. tip just for men: do pelvic floor exercises to boost your stamina for sex - the best time to do this is when you are in the queue at the sandwich shop - you'll find that you get a bigger baguette than anyone else
  6. tip just for women: don't just push your shopping trolley, put a bit of sex into it - walk with a wiggle, but don't forget to oil the trolley wheels or everyone will think you're squeaking
believe me, that's all there is to it.

and if you're still struggling, don't despair.

buy a gerbil.