the isle of kevin

 the british people's love of knocking walls down to create open plan living accommodation means that almost three
million rooms have been lost over the last five years:  so what? i bet there are at least three million new bathrooms the size of phone boxes - after all, you can't just have one bath and a bog these days can you?

 as poet laureate, andrew motion receives a gift of 110 gallons of spanish sherry every year - also known as a 'butt of sack' - no wonder he can't string two words together.

harry s truman never had a middle name, his advisors just told him it would give him more credibility with the voters. come on down, gordon b brown and alastair m'darling.

the average briton's income is now £23,500 - higher than the united states average for the first time since 1890.  strangely, that was the year the bank of england bailed out a company called barings because of its loan debt.  nothing new there then.

finally, my researchers tell me that new figures show that 40 per cent of all weddings in britain involve one person who has been married at least once before.  so? if you fail your driving test, you take it again - right?

see you in a week.

DORIS!  have you found my thermal thong yet?

i have just presented awards at the island horticultural society annual show.
i thought you might like to hear the speech what i made ...

 congratulations to all of you on the size of your vegetables and the interesting ways in which you have displayed them.
i particularly enjoyed the entry from the island pornographic club.
well done gladys and albert.  we never thought you had it in you.
it was highly unusual and certainly gave us a different perspective on meat and two veg.
i was pleased to see st kevin ambulance standing by to render assistance to some of our more sensitive visitors.
special thanks also to st kevin the hun primary school. 
their clever interpretation of 'a school trip' was very much appreciated.  how they managed to make that effigy of the headteacher from a cauliflower and a few carrots, i will never know.  and how clever to impale her on a stick of celery!
such imagination.
finally, a word of praise, for the 'best in show'.
doris and flossie, my two charming old queens, pulled out all the stops for their lady godiva display.
let's forget for a moment the fact that the horse's legs gave out under their combined weight, and remember our delight as they made their grand entrance, covering their modesty with bags of king edwards and strategically placed turnips.
worthy winners, indeed.

what it is to be so popular!

you pick your nose.

there's a theory that our whole lives are decided by six decisions...

1. i annoyed my parents by not becoming a civil servant
2. i discovered i was good at sport
3. i left the security of one job and took a chance on something else
4. i married too young and had two kids
5. i married again and shouldn't have
6. i finally got it right

this morning, the milky sea sparkled with a million sequins and seagulls cried a classic tune through the mists of time.

this morning, the wind whispered sweet encouragement to the buds on the trees.

this morning, flossie got her bum stuck in the toilet and got the cold water treatment when the plumber pulled the chain.
he said it was an accident, but it was nothing compared to the accident that befell him when flossie caught up with his van.

this morning, a plumber was working out how to remove a drain rod, and finding it very difficult to sit down.

she does need to go to finishing school but maybe prison life would suit her better.

not only does she speak with her mouthful, she kisses admirers with a gob full too.
it's just not on.
i mean you don't catch the queen of the isle of britain chewing on a pasty while she's watching the royal duck race in the royal latrines, do you?
or spitting out a gobstopper into her handbag for later just before she hangs a medal on an old person's outstretched member?

no.

anyway, i've given doris a final warning and told her she will have to submit to a performance review meeting in a couple of weeks.
we will agree targets, set benchmarks, fill in a few forms, shake hands and file the paperwork.

that should do the trick.

but if i catch her with a pie at tonight's piano recital, it won't be going in her mouth, i promise you that.
i'll find somewhere else to shove it.

 introducing the final entrant in the isle of kevin strange creatures beauty competition - the LABRACHIMP.
double click the pic to see it full size.
this gem of genetic engineering doesn't just fetch sticks, it writes messages with them (this one wrote 'next time, fetch it yourself', for example).
it climbs trees, mates with anything that moves, and just loves bananas - if only it could open one up with those paws.
and clever?  wow!
i sent it to the shop to get a newspaper, and it was gone so long i went to check what was happening.
it was sitting on a bench with a couple of old blokes discussing the latest crisis in afghanistan and rubbishing chelsea's performance in the carling cup final.

anyway, that's it from the island laboratories for a while.
you can easily review them all by clicking the strange creatures tag on the right ...
THAT WAY!

does your brain catch you out sometimes?
mine does.

today, for example, it reminded me of some bizarre things.

a stupid joke = she was only the sergeant major's daughter, but she knew what reggie meant.

a remembered smell = somebody mentioned going to a pie shop and i smelled the meat and potato pie i used to buy as a kid.

a sound = i was walking into an office and just remembered the sound of an old car i once had.

this could be worrying.
who knows what your brain will choose to recall at awkward moments.

our brains have to be stopped!

 meet the latest offering from my island research laboratories - the FOXTIT.
he serves no other purpose than to eat your birdcake faster than normal.
he's proved popular with the other birds because of his ability to break into a dustbin bag with very little effort, though he seems reluctant to share the contents, so far.

the nerds in my labs tell me they have one more mutation to offer me before i submit all seven to your judgement in the forthcoming strange creatures beauty parade.

it's the day of rest, but how do you make it the day of best?
that's the thinking behind another in the world beating, best selling, humungously magnificent HOW TO series.
this edition is brought to you by the CHURCH OF SPINLAND - the church that just wants to say yes ... whatever you believe, whatever football team you support, we've got a service just for you!  make the most of your sunday - and remember, you don't even have to go to church, we come to you!
we'll send our own Archbishop round to your home for a FREE consultation!

so, sunday - how to enjoy sundays ...?

1. have breakfast in bed - no plates, no cutlery, just eat as much as you like and chuck the crumbs and leftovers down the bottom of the bed; then when you do decide to get up in time to watch antiques roadshow, you can simply scrunch up the sheets and throw them in the bin
2. go for a walk - but give it a purpose ... a slow stroll to the bookies with a few quid in your pocket can be very therapeutic, particularly if you manage to steal it from a busker
3. don't like going to church? no problem! dress up as a minister of whatever religion you fancy and sing a few hymns at the top of your voice.in no time at all your neighbours will be round - so don't forget to lock your doors and windows.
4. don't worry about trimming the grass if you are unfortunate enough to have a lawn.  stand outside the church and announce that you dropped a bag of licquorise allsorts on the lawn, wait a few moments, then run back and enjoy the spectacle as worshippers bow down and chew the grass for you
5. sunday roasts are all well and good, but this is the day of rest, and they're bloomin' hard work to make - so, take a tip from one who knows, go round to a neighbour's house the moment you smell their meat and two veg, and just sit down while they're eating - they won't be able to resist offering to share their dinner with you - after all, it's sunday!
6. isn't it time you tried being a sunday driver? go on! you know you want to! that's right, wind that reliant robin up to 25 mph, feel the g forces as you stall at the roundabout,  hear the roar of appreciation from fellow motorists in their shiny vauxhalls as you wait five minutes at a give way junction even though there's nothing coming.  you don't know what you've been missing!
7. have an afternoon nap - preferably in your car while waiting at a give way sign.
8. if you're silly enough to allow your children downstairs on sundays, give them rewarding tasks such as washing the car with a toothbrush and a glass of water; or wiring your house up to next door's electricity supply.
9. stand at the bar of the nearest pub and wait for someone with a red face and cord trousers to go out to light his pipe, then drink his beer
10. do a charitable act for the person you dislike the most:  set their garden shed on fire and put the fire out for them.

when i first moved into my palace, it was a semi-detached palace (well, times were hard then) and it had an open loft - no dividing wall between our loft and theirs.

so i went up there for  a look round and noticed this hatch thing, and lifted it up, forgetting i had strayed onto their side.

the hatch opened and i found to my eternal shame that i was looking down into our new neighbour's toilet.

fortunately for me, there was nothing happening down there.

i die each time i think of it and imagine if mr neighbour had been sitting there with his trousers down doing what you do when you're on the bog ...

would we still be on speaking terms, do you think??

 it's bad, it's embarrassing. but can you beat it?!

this is another long distance shot and not as sharp as i would like.
i think it's a sparrowhawk.
its wings were fluttering like mad but it was hovering perfectly still, if that makes sense.

birds of prey are fantastic - their skill and power takes your breath away.
moments later, it was swooping down like a dart having no doubt spotted a critter far below using its laser sharp eyesight.

i've noticed also that even the bossy bully crows steer clear.
they've obviously got some sense.

just looking at pictures like this gives me a lift and i hope it does the same for you too.

meet my new best friend DEAGLE.
throw a stick and he's caught it before it lands.
ask him to sort sunday dinner and he comes back with a whole lamb.
and he makes a very good lookout.
i'm particularly pleased with this handsome chap and have decided to keep him as my personal pet.
i think he'll make a splendid escort for me as i tour the world sorting out problems and eating big meals, not necessarily in that order.
and who needs a bodyguard when i've got deagle at my side?

amazing how many remedies and foolproof solutions there are for back pain.

no, not me.

the girl in argentina who has just had her second set of triplets about eighteen months after her first threesome.
oh and she had her first baby at the age of 14.

if she carries on like this, she will soon have her own continent and i will have to pay her a state visit.

 what is a LYCHNOBITE?

a) a toothless crone?

b) a mollusc that lives in the mouth?

c) a resident of the town of Lychno?

sorry - you are all wrong, the answer is

d)  One who works at night and sleeps during the day.
From Greek lychnos (lamp) + bios (life).

I only ask because i was up all night.  my lady in waiting got her foot stuck in the pillow and when i pulled it off i fell back and landed on my pouffe.
it took quite a while to get me off, too.
then the phone rang - alistair darling-sweety wanted some advice and i told him where to shove his northern rock. by then, sleep was beyond me and i massaged my statistics for a while.
anyway, just before i go to bed and see what my lady in waiting has got lined up, i have sent a note to the isle of kevin all night chippie to tell them all staff are to be known as lychnobites from now on.
better than fat friers, anyway.

night night.

have you got any?

here are some of mine ...

i'm not very focussed - i prefer doing lots of different things, which probably means i don't do any quite as well as i should

my instinct is always to say yes to people and i often regret it and feel i'm a pushover

watches - i love watches!

i cry easily

i'm bad at keeping in touch with friends and family

i'm naive - i get upset when people aren't nice back

that's more like it, i thought.
meet the CATRELL - sleeps under cars, lives on nuts, sits on your head when you're watching television, and frightens the life out of dogs.
but don't let it anywhere near your bird feeder - it's like the terminator.
should go down a treat with  island visitors this year - but i will have to warn people about its ability to leap up and bite nuts.

i was just dipping into my soft boiled when i looked out through the window and watched a few people walking past on
their way to their day of punishment at work.
it struck me that some people don't half walk funny.

one woman didn't so much walk as bounce.
she had a little chubby face like a chipmunk and a little bobble hat and she sort of sprung up on each step so her bobbles were bouncing.
it was fascinating to watch and i assumed she must be wearing a support bra manufactured by a shipyard.

close behind her in my wacky races was a stern looking fella with a long black raincoat.
he was loping along with giant strides and it was like his feet never touched the pavement.
he never looked up either so i presume he will eventually lope off the edge of a cliff, and glide down to the beach like a bat.

bringing up the rear was every young girl's dream - who seemed to be tiptoeing in his trainers while swaggering his shoulders and moving his head from side to side. such co-ordination, and he was chewing gum and smoking a fag and talking into a mobile phone the size of a matchbox.

i was gripped by my observations, which does hurt at times.
then doris and flossie blundered in like two hippos and charged head first into the fridge - well i call it a fridge, but it's more like a room full of cakes and pies.

i walked out.

 the night shift at my research laboratories must have been on the sherry.
this was climbing up the scaffolding outside my palace earlier today.
they call him MONKEEPHANT.
apparently he likes to sniff bananas up his nose in powder form and eats trees instead of climbing them.
doris is in love with him and wants to call him eric.
i told her she can call him what she likes as long as he's released for tourist scaring duties in the summer.

this afternoon, piano music wafted through the air like expensive perfume and soothed my mind.

this afternoon, a puppy dog chased past my window like a bundle of joy.

this afternoon, i burned my cheese on toast, threw it in the pedal bin and ate a mouldy pork pie.

this afternoon, i'll be on the toilet.

this morning the sun is shining through the mist, as if it was waking from dreamy sleep.

this morning the birds are singing to greet the new day with joyous hymns.

this morning, doris slipped on the carbolic and landed on top of me in the bath.

this morning, i lost my loofah.

meet rover the budgie.
throw him a stick and he'll nest in it.
he's the only dog i know that goes for a fly.
but this is one bird you wouldn't want crapping on your car.

i've had three teeny glasses of red wine tonight and my eyes are closing and i don't think i can manage any more.

introducing - the ALLIDUCK.
just one of the rare species that inhabit my island.
we don't advise throwing bread crumbs at this little beauty.
but a side of beef goes down nicely.

just a few words of wisdom from a world leader ...
i don't expect any thanks.
i do this for peace and goodwill and understanding in the world.

sunday footballers who shout the loudest are usually the worst players, just as the most enthusiastic amateur dramatic performers are least likely to be any good

don't fight nasal hair - encourage the growth - you never know when you might need it for a hair transplant

the person in front of you at a busy checkout will always choose something without a bar code

at any time of day, there is always someone using a strimmer

rest assured that  more laws of life will follow

i feel distinctly SOPOROSE today.

that means i feel sleepy.

the reason is that i had coffee, several beers and red wine last night, mixed in with a bit of jigging about to disguise the fact that i can't dance.

even world leaders have to join in the spirit of things, you know.
it was the official opening of kev's new butchers shop and i was - naturally enough - the special guest.

i removed the ceremonial giblets and showed off my skill at black pudding juggling, then launched a fun game of hide and seek among the carcasses in the freezer room.
it worked a treat because several dreary people from the isle of britain gatecrashed the event and we told them to go and hide, then set a timer to count to about two million.  it gave us a much needed break before the party started.

i did have too much to drink.
i know because at one stage i was chatting up a side of beef.
doris was getting intimate with a string of sausages, and very nearly got engaged to a pig's head.

oh what fun we had!

anyway, like i said, i'm SOPOROSE now, so will you stop bothering me?
i'm going for a lie down and may very well play with my Wii before i go to sleep.

see you later and have a lovely sunny sunday ...

guess what this  bird is...
.
noisy, cheeky, and greedy, he likes nothing better than perching on the roof at old people's homes and yelling down the chimney pot -
preferably just as darkness is descending.

very fond of fish.  and chips.

and here's a clue - you can usually find them near the sea.
this one was looking for trouble at a busy harbour.
as you can tell, he's just spotted some naive tourist about to settle down on a bench with a bag of chips.
i couldn't show you the next picture - it was too horrible.
suffice to say that the unlucky pensioner was last seen running towards the ferry terminal with this seagull stuck to his head
like a baseball cap.

you might need to click on the picture to see it full size.