i know some of you wish you were like me, living in a palace, friends all over the world, respected and admired.
but life isn't like that.
but the least i can do is share some of the secrets of my amazing success.
and that's what this latest in the HOW TO series seeks to do.
it is the least i can do (well i hope it is, i am quite busy).

this edition of HOW TO HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS is sponsored by REPEATASPRAY .. the under arm spray you
just keep using. the minute your friends start holding their noses or throwing up, just spray some more and you'll smell great - for MINUTES at a time!  choose from our unique range of fragrances...BLUE CHEESE; DEAD DOG; or the ever popular RANCID FOR MEN.

and now - if you want lots of friends, like me (well they won't all be like me, obviously) just read on...

  1. get a job in an off licence and work your way up to a position of responsibility - then give free bottles of wine or beer to people, and write your name and address and telephone number down for them.  as you hand over this delightful free gift, just say the magic words - 'i'd really like to be your friend'  (WARNING - do not try this late at night or before or after football matches)
  2. sit in a photo booth and wait for someone to sit in your lap - think of the photos you'll have to show all your new friends!
  3. join an evening class at college and invite everyone back to your place after to taste your twiglets
  4. find out where the favourite dog walks are and offer to pick up all the dog crap for everyone - you'll make friends for life
  5. murder the milkman and steal his identity (and his milk float)
  6. rent a luxury dinghy, spray on some instant suntan, and hang around the docks - you'll be amazed at the people you meet
  7. join a local society - the DIY Brain Surgeons are always looking for new members
  8. a perfect smile is worth a thousand words - make yourself that perfect smile by folding a sheet of white paper into a strip and tucking it inside your top lip
  9. don't stand on the sidelines - if you see people having a conversation or laughing, join in! what have you got to lose (apart from a few teeth - see 8.)
  10. banish body odour - stinking like a drain will not win you any friends. but don't waste the earth's resources by washing. just buy REPEATASPRAY and hide that foul odour with one ten minute blast of the button.  no need even to take your shirt or blouse off - just attach our flexible tube and direct the spray just where you need it! 
GUARANTEE - i personally guarantee you will never be alone if you follow these simple guidelines.  GOOD LUCK, friend!