the isle of kevin

there i was, buffing up my medallions, when doris walks in.
she was very full of herself - well, full of pies, more like.

she said she wanted it out with me.
i said i would prefer to close my eyes and sing jerusalem to take my mind off it,
but i obviously misunderstood.

she wanted to know if i still loved her.
she was quite upset so i promised i'd think about it.

that seemed to wind her up no end.
women!

anyway, the upshot is that i've got a shiner (and my eye is pretty black and swollen too)
and she is threatening to run off with the milkman.
i'm not too worried about that because he's got a limp and his crates rattle.

but i don't want the old year to end like this.
i mean, it's no fun playing monopoly with just rose and flossie.

what should i do?

another stupid sign (i think that's the last one otherwise i'll be doing nothing else with my life in 2008,
and i have got better things to do...i think)
anyway, this is the sort of shop i like - a true convenience store?

here are some pix wot i took this week...
please click the pictures to see them full size.

number one...sunrise over the bay

number two...the mist descends...

number three...into the light - a distant view of the tennyson monument...

number four...the edge of the known world and one of my favourite places to sit and stare and try not to get arrested.
(the far western tip of my island with the dorset coast in the distance)...

I stole this new year wish list from the Ever Excellent  -     http://flowergirl.blog.co.uk

1.    The word(s) I would most like to disappear from people’s vocabulary: whatever

2.    The interests that I would most like to learn how to do properly: sail a boat, fly a plane

3.    The soap opera I would most like to have a Christmas Day 2008 show in which all the cast, the set, the scriptwriters and anyone else responsible for the programme meet a tragic and permanent show-stopping end: Eastenders, Emmerdale, Coronation Street (have i missed any out?)

4.    The people (other than family, and if they were still alive!) that I would most like to spend 24 hours stuck in a traffic jam or airport next Christmas:  Laurel & Hardy, Arthur C Clarke, Charles Dickens

5.    The celebrity that I would most like to take early retirement by next Christmas: Dale Winton (is he a  celebrity?)

6.    The business I would least like to go into insolvency:  Ventnor Brewery, Apple Computers

7.    The country that I would most like to visit in 2008: Ireland or India

8.    The city break I would most like to take in 2008: Florence or St Petersburg

9.    The food that I would most like to sample for the first time in 2008: Guinness and oysters by the sea in Ireland

10.    The TV programme I would like to see more of: Laurel and Hardy repeats

11.    The one thing that would make my life less stressful: being more tolerant

12.    The person with whom I would like to spend the most time in 2008 (and eternity):  lorna

Today         
Home Alone (or - How To Pretend To Be Il So Grandma Gets The Bus Home)
                    
The Hitchhikers Guide to Christmas Travel (For those who are still waiting for their flight to Spain)

New Years Eve
Nude Scottish Dancing, followed by Piping In The Haggis (if it hasn't been slapped to death)

Celebrity Phone In Chat Show Rip Off  (to raise money for Soapstars In Need)

New Years Day
The Online MFI Sale (a complete kitchen for 99 pence, and lots of other bargains!)

My Fair Chitty Chitty Scrooge Miracle of Oz - The Movie

The King's New Year Message (re-scheduled from New Year's Eve to allow for the fact that Kev will be taking part in the Nude Scottish Dancing, weather permitting)

what was i saying about signs in my last post?!

i'm sure a few hundred of the world's billion bloggers have got a stackful of these, but
i wondered if you had a favourite silly sign?

while you're thinking about it, my favourite was outside a shop in istanbul - it sold tacky tourist stuff
and the sign over the door said SORRY. WE ARE OPEN.

there must be loads of these, so let me have them if you can recall any!
it could be a stupid name for a town, or a direction sign...anything goes.

meanwhile, i'll rack my brains to see if i can come up with any more...

....isle of kevin tv news update...

the pub industry says a pint of beer will rise to about £4 in 2008.

that's because farmers are devoting more and more of their land to growing environment friendly
bio fuels, and this means that the cost of basics like barley and hops is soaring.

we sent our news reporter out to the island's only pub, the kev and chickens, to ask drinkers for their views.

he's now recovering at st kevin's royal infirmary.
but he managed to mumble through the bandages that their attitude was "suck the environment" -
at least, that's what we think he said.

why is it that everything we do is bad for us?

having reviewed up to the minute advice, it seems we are advised not to...
drink more than one tot of shandy a week
smoke anything or be within a one mile radius of a smoker
eat anything containing sugar, cream, fat, or salt
jog or do any other form of exercise that might put a strain on your muscles or heart

it reminds me of a bloke i knew a long time ago.
he never smoke, drank or had sex.

he died of nothing.

let that be a warning to you.

i know this is a bit contrived (OK - VERY contrived!) but could you name your favourite worst christmas present for this year?

i have got quite a few candidates because i'm still feeling a bit worse for wear after the boxing day meet.

but i'm awarding it this year to my gift of two boxes of after dinner mints, because the last thing i want after dinner is bloody mints.
and presumably i got two of the supermarket imitations purely because it was a last minute two for the price of one offer, and
there was room in the far top right corner of a trolley full of far better goodies.

not that i'm being churlish at all...

what a wonderful world we live in!
yes, that's my message to the world as i ride in state round the highways and lowlife of my island, watching folk
queue up for a £2 stripey jumper or do next year's christmas shopping.
it's a tough time for a lot of ordinary people.
it can even be difficult for royality like what i am.
that's why i laboured over christmas to produce some golden nuggets of advice to help you through...

1. insist on paying the full price for everything in the january sales - especially the battery powered nutcrackers you always promised yourself, and your husband or boyfriend or annoyingly smug neighbour
2. smile at everyone you meet - and maintain that lovely smile as you are admitted to the casualty department
3. don't walk to the shops - skip! pretty soon everyone will want to join in!
4. find a quiet corner and spend time meditating - if you find it difficult try counting sheep:  if you don't have any sheep, try picking your toe nails with a potato peeler...you'll soon discover your own method of finding quality time for you
5. buy a black forest gateau and leave it in a prominent position on the pavement outside the shop - and remember to smile happily as a surprised pedestrian bends to pick it up and is then trampled in the rush as others stampede to enjoy the fruits of your generosity
6. empty an old person's shopping trolley - they'll be so grateful that you made it easier for them to push, and just think how proud you'll feel
7. invite all your family round to your house tonight, then go to the pictures and rejoice in the pleasure they'll have in meeting up again so soon
8. treat yourself to an extra tub of popcorn at the cinema, and get some extra straws with your bucket of coke - when you've polished it off, shove the tub on top of your head and push the straws into the front and you will look just like a dalek...walk home and wish everyone merry christmas (don't forget to also cut a slit in the tub so you can see where you are going...you don't want to look a complete idiot)
9. buy a bottle of cheap cider and drink it in front of those fine fellows who spend their time on the bench in the park - then ask if they would like a bottle of mineral water - believe me, they'll thank you for it
10. do something daring - join the nude paragliding society, but remember to raise your undercarriage on take off

the HOW TO... series is supplied free of charge as a service to the world, by that most excellent royal person, the king of the isle of kevin.  as the island jumbo sausage conservation fund is now over-subscribed, you can instead make a donation to the restoration project for the island's only discotheque, the meat pie a-go-go

it's our fancy dress ball tonight.

doris is going as the abominable snowman, and a lorryload of cotton wool and camel fur has just arrived;
though i really don't think she needs it.

flossie has decided to be a bird feeder, and i am not going to say anything about great tits.

rose is really pushing the boat out - she is dressing up as queen victoria (the new cruise liner, not the late
pint-sized majesty).  even as i write, i can hear the sound and see the sparks from the welding workshop
as kev the chauffeur helps realign her bodice.

me?
i'm going as a dalek and some of my hand-maidens will be joining me inside the costume, so i'll be ok.

the tricky part is that i have to judge the fancy dress competition and kiss the winner.

what worries me is that kev the chauffeur has a very good chance of winning.
he's dressing up as basil brush.
i love basil brush.
but i'm not kissing him...not under any circumstances.

anyway, i'll probably be too busy fiddling with my dalek controls to notice what's happening.

yes, the moment you've all been waiting for.
you love christmas  and you can't wait for the new year to start, can you?
but you need to start planning NOW!
not everyone can afford a meal for two at the harvester on new year's eve.
some people can't afford a hospital meal.
so what do you do?
well, IN THIS, THE LATEST OF MY BEST SELLING HOW TO GUIDES, i'll show you how you can have a FANTASTIC new year's eve, on a budget...

1. Eat out at a restaurant - you'll save a fortune on the housekeeping
2. Drill a hole in the wall so you can watch the neighbour's tv - or better still, watch the neighbours
   
3. Sing songs from the musicals very loudly outside pubs and wait for people to pay you good money to shove off
4. Find some comfort easily - just jump in a rich person's supermarket trolley when they are hunting for cream buns, put some cardboard over your head, and sit quietly when they put their groceries in the boot - you'll have a great night at their mansion, and get to use a bathroom with a heated towel rail if you are lucky
5. If you are home alone, run outside at midnight and kiss the first person you meet - you could get yourself a very cosy night  (small print - in the cells)
6. Catch the number 10 bus and stay on it all night until you meet someone interesting
7. Drink plenty of water so that by midnight you are so distracted by your swollen bladder that all you can think about is going to the toilet - making sure your New Year starts with a splash!
8. Sit in your front room with the lights on and the curtains open and wait for a passer-by to come in and snog you, then steal their purse or wallet and run to the nearest pub
   
9. Pack all your christmas stuff in a cardboard box and throw it through your television screen - then go to bed (this is a tried and trusted remedy for seasonal disorders)
10. Walk the streets until you find a really happy person, then follow him or her home, wait till they've gone to bed, then ring their front door bell lots of times and shout 'fire' a lot
    

And remember, whatever you do, be kind to children and animals - unless you think you could make a good meal out of them.

Enjoy!

i was just wondering (again) about what my favourite christmas present would be.
i used to dream of owning a saab convertible, so that would be high on my list.

but now... i'm not sure but i'm thinking of something along the lines of...

A SELLOTAPE DISPENSER

one that you can leave on its roller and just tear a piece off instead of getting stupid bits stuck on the end of the only
finger you've got left that isn't contorted into a strange position trying to hold down a stupid fold of stupid paper with holly
and berries on it.
and then you have to take your hand away to get another piece, and the end of the sellotape has disappeared and you have
to scrape for ever to find it again, and all your carefully wrapped parcel has sprung open again.

yes.
that would be my favourite christmas present, please santa.

  ooops - nearly forgot - i wanted to ask you what yours would be??!!

this is an official SECRET SANTA post, sponsored by ....REALLY STRONG NEAT VODKA THAT GIVES YOU A STONKING HEADACHE AND MAKES YOU THROW UP - Naughty's favourite drink  (or is it gin and tonic, or margerita, or ...?)

THE JOKEY STUFF
let's get one thing straight - Naughty is a woman of many faces.  she's more elusive than soup in a basket.  one minute she looks like this...

but after a night on the vodka - THIS happens...

i was going to show you a picture after she'd had a night on the vodka AND a pig out on her favourite meal of fish, chips and mushy peas (mmmmmm!!), but i'm too kind hearted.

the thing to bear in mind is that Naughty is actually an 84 years old beauty therapist.
yes, really!
it has been alleged that she changes her blog like she changes her knickers.  however, naughty states quite indignantly that she changes her blogs more often.

above all else, NAUGHTY IS THE NEW NICE.
she's got a gorgeous daughter, aka Princess, and Naughty is not the sort of mother who would just strap a child to a wall with sticky tape, or put it in the garage. well - not unless it was absolutely necessary.

she can do anything around the house, except change a light bulb, work the video player, mow the lawn, or get the cork out of a wine bottle.
but if you want your drain clearing -
    JUST CALL NAUGHTY - eyelash perming and drain clearance a speciality

further evidence of Naughty's nicesness is that she loves animals.
she trekked through the desert for miles just to give this little cutie a pedicure...

...another satisfied customer!

but that's not all.  she has two goldfish called Ernie and Carrot, and, er - that's it really.

Naughty is a devoted mum...
she'd have to be to endure daughter Princess's jokes...
here's an example... where do cows go on holiday? 
                                     Moo Zealand

THE SERIOUS STUFF
Naughty's blog charts the story of a big and eventuful year.
It looks like she's survived a lot of stuff and lived to tell the tale, and found happiness
(even though she lives in doncaster).
She writes a brilliant blog and i reckon she deserves to win this year's Secret Santa prize.
(unless the prize is a bottle of vodka...)

Naughty - we love you!

8am      ONCE IN A LIFETIME (repeat of the 2006 xmas special)

9am      NEWS AT TEN (repeat)

10am    DORIS SINGS SONGS FROM THE SHOWS

10.30    DORIS IS GAGGED AND ESCORTED FROM THE STUDIO

11         CAROLS FROM THE PALACE

12         ERIC'S FROM NUNEATON

1           THE KINGS CHRISTMAS MESSAGE (don't eat too much,  be nice to children and animals, etc)

1.30      THE KING'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE (repeat)

3            THE BIG MATCH - Cowes v Needles

5            HOW TO ... DO THE WASHING UP (the latest in the top rated series)

6            THE SOUND OF SILENCE (a soothing hour in the company of Hiss and Static, the only people left in the tv studio)

7            MORNING PRAYERS (repeat, for those who missed the programme we forgot to show this morning)

8            CHRISTMAS DAY AT THE KING'S PALACE (an intimate fly on the wall reality tv docusoap celebrity phone-in challenge)

10          STRICTLY COME POSING (doris, rose and flossie demonstrate their dance moves - with no visible means of support)

i was just wondering, what's your favourite drink?

i'd find it really hard to pick just one, but at the moment, i'm quite partial to a whisky mac - a generous
splosh of pretty cheap whisky and a dollop of stone's ginger wine.

and what can i get for you?

travelling the world as i do, as a world leader, i get to hear an awful lot of juicy info that lesser mortals would
simply not know about.

here are a few examples...(these are free by the way, though donations to the island jumbo sausage preservation society
will be welcomed)...

a 100 year old woman moved out of an old folks home in germany after six weeks because she said it was too boring and people there were too old;

switzerland's army invaded lichtenstein - by mistake; apparently, a unit on maoeuvres got lost at dead of night.

someone from the once famous isle of britain kept up the nation's tradition of greatness by claiming to be the first person to make a mobile phone call from the summit of mount everest.  he said the immortal words "it's cold."

officials in china restocked a river with thirteen truckloads of carp, little realising that a short distance downstream, thousands of eager residents were waiting with buckets, nets and bare hands, where they immediately caught the whole lot.

if there are enough donations to the jumbo sausage society, of which i am president, and doris, rose and flossie are chief beneficiaries, i may find time to bring you more snippets from around planet earth. 

 friends, know-alls, and country yokels...

what a year that was, and no mistake.
it lasted twelve months and that's a fact.
what else can i say?
i don't really know because flossie tore my speech into squares and hung it on a nail in the outside lav.
so i'm going to have to make it up as i go along.

i think the big highlight of my year as the world's greatest leader was my island invasion, and the loyal support
of so many of my friends in Exile (which is a small island just out of Wedlock). 
but finding a tenner under the mattress came a close second.

my wish for the new year is that doris, flossie and rose might sort out their differences and learn to live in Peace
(which is another small island, not far from Bedlam).
why, even as i write this on my Junior Typewriter set, they are in the bath, fighting over the soap.  if they don't shut up,  i just
know i'm going to pull the plug on them. 

i have received many messages of goodwill (he lives just down the road from bad betty) despite the fact that kev the
chauffeur apparently hijacked a women's institute van and stole their christmas tree, which now graces my royal parlour.
i did offer to return it but the president had other ideas about where i could put it, which was very considerate of her. she'll
be proud to know that doris made an angel in her image and shoved her rather violently onto the top of the tree.

speaking of eyes watering, i cried a lot as the little children of the island sang rugby songs outside my window last night.
it was so nice of them.  and i thought that idea of throwing lumps of christmas concrete at the window later was a nice touch too.

may i wish you all a happy and peaceful christmas and an absolutely stonking new year.

(this production was sponsored by BEDWET SPONGES - the perfect Christmas gift.  no need to rush to the toilet after a night on the town! just stuff one down your pyjamas or up your nightie and rest in peace!)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

... will be broadcast live on this channel on wednesday.

as i said to my newest loyal subject, whom i call Not... i have better things to do than televise my speeches on christmas day.

apart from snoozing through the tedium of Her Hugeness's speech, i will no doubt be playing musical chairs with doris and flossie,
followed by that rather intriguing game - Pass the Ring...

YOU AT THE BACK! STOP SNIGGERING!

what, you have never played it?
a free christmas cracker and an honorary peerage to the first person to explain this game to my puzzled population .

** you can tune in to the king of the isle of kevin's speech by sending your bank account details and/or an open cheque payable to
'king kevin' by 12 noon on wednesday.
alternatively, if you are too mean to pay for this privilege, you can read the text of this historic speech here.

they've gone too far this time.
our annual christmas party for the old folk of the island has been a total disaster.

doris had a bottle of sherry and a box of last year's mince pies even before the first guests had been carried in piggy back fashion by a very
disgruntled kev the chauffeur. 
he had grudgingly agreed to wear the santa costume but got his own back by getting rose to embroider the words "UP YOURS GRANDMA" on the back of his festive jacket.
i thought this would cause great offence, but kev said later he'd never been in such demand. 
some of our more active grandmas were offering him money.  well, that's his story, anyway.

but, back to doris.
she was supposed to sing some christmas carols as guests limped in.
i say, limped, but they soon discovered the ability to sprint when they saw there was a free buffet.
doris was hopeless... all the words were mixed up.
her opening number went something like this...

hark the herald shepherds watch
their sheep called noel
silent little donkeys sing
christ almighty ivy and holly

this would have been forgiveable had she stuck to a recognisable tune, but this was not to be.
the pianist had a tantrum half way through and threw the remains of a turkey leg at doris.
she responded by sitting on his lap, after which he slid out under the door.
two old ladies called ivy and holly stomped out on their motorised zimmer frames and got stuck in the door, they were going so fast.

to my disbelief, this got a round of applause from an enthusiastic audience.  what happened to christmas spirit, i thought to myself?

looking closer, i realised.  flossie had wheeled in my private drinks trolley and they were on the last bottle of my egg nog.

after that, i couldn't get rid of them.
they rampaged through the house, and burst into my bedroom to admire my royal accoutrements (which i always keep by the bed, just in case).

i finally got them to leave by telling them there was a discount at kev's pie shop.
several of the less able were trampled underfoot, unfortunately.

with a deep sigh of relief, i closed the door - and was confronted by the sight of doris and flossie fighting over the last vol au vent (this roughly translates as 'high wind' and i can certainly vouch for the truth of that).

so much for the royal family setting an example.
you wouldn't find other royal families misbehaving like this, would you?

i don't often boast, but i do make the best porridge - EVER.

unfortunately, my hand slipped a bit this morning, and a very large dose of irish whiskey got mixed in.
the taste was subtle, blending perfectly with the whole milk and the honey.  as usual.

it certainly left us with a rosy glow as we set off for the dog walk.
unfortunately, it proved quite difficult for us to concentrate.
you see, in my drunken haze, i also gave the dog some porridge leftovers.

so instead of chasing rabbits, she was trying to engage them in conversation.
and me...i just leaned on a tree and sang christmas songs, and greeted everyone i met as if i was in love with them.

this did not please bert, the local builder.

it's time i had a coffee, i think.
perhaps with just a small tot this time.

this was sparked by a bit of banter in my royal chambers this morning (it's a very good way to start the day, too).

which do you think is the best tv series ever...??

          you can choose a soap, a classic serial, crime, comedy....anything you like....any language, any country...

          but you can only choose a maximum of three.

  first prize for men will be a dirty weekend with doris, rose and flossie;  second prize will be two dirty weekends.

first prize for women will be a romantic week in the carribbean with the man of their dreams (he's called kevin and he's got acne but
he reckons it'll be cleared up soon.  and halitosis.  and his mum will have to go with him.)

"this is the captain speaking.
"will drivers please wait until the ship has reached land before attempting to continue their journey?
"thank you."

apparently, a litter of seven piglets has been born in lincolnshire, and they've all got curly coats.

lucky for them...

i think it's high time that the isle of kevin began producing more interesting human beings.
we should dare to be different.
set an example to the isle of britain.

for example, why shouldn't babies be born covered in hair so they're always warm and parents don't have to buy stupid clothes with
stupid names like BABYGRO? and blankets. 
another advantage would be that you could use them to mop up their own spillages on the floor, and just rinse them out under the tap after.

and another thing...
why can't i go in for an operation at st kevin's hospital and have my mouth widened so i can hold a pint glass between my teeth and
leave my hands free for a game of cards or darts?

why does my bum have to be hidden down the back of my pants?  it's very inconvenient. 
why can't it be positioned on an extension cord near my right hip, so i can go to the toilet without interrupting an interesting conversation?

you could be forgiven for thinking that human evolution has just stopped.
well, not on the isle of kevin, it hasn't.

if you would like to volunteer for any of our human experiments, just let me know, and name the one you fancy.

welcome to the latest episode of the world best-selling HOW TO... guide to just about everything.
and it is brought to you completely FREE through the generous patronage of the king of the isle of kevin (that's me, by the way).

WARNING:  anyone who reproduces this material without royal permission will be restrained by the bouncers.

this week - how to make your home look fabulous for christmas.

1. if your home is really a total dump, demolish it - just don't waste your precious time and money putting up decorations.  you'll save money which you can spend at the local soup kitchen.
2. don't throw away those plastic bags and tin cans - tie them together and hang them from the curtain pole...they will look terrific and you will probably be talked about for years to come!
3. if you can't afford twinkling lights - don't despair!  sit in a comfortable chair near your light switch and switch your table lamp on and off at regular intervals throughout the night! 
4. get some green paint and paint a christmas tree on your living room wall - it's a lot cheaper than a real tree, and there'll be no falling needles to ruin your linoleum.
5. if you absolutely must have a tree, save money and reinforce your green credentials by hanging brussel sprouts from the branches - they look lovely, and what fun your guests will have as they pick them and munch away on twelfth night (USEFUL TIP - don't forget to leave a window open)
6. make a christmas angel from a plastic milk bottle and pipe cleaners (can't afford pipe cleaners?  well, just forget it then. don;t know why i bother sometimes.)
7. collect your and your neighbour's dandruff and spread it on the mantlepiece on