the isle of kevin

this bloke has asked if he can come.
what do you think?

...and keeping an eye on you lot!

i was wondering - you know the isle of kevin festival is one of the biggest events in the country now?

well, we should have an isle of kevin blog festival 2008, shouldn't we?

anyway, i'll try and write something proper and update you on island events next week.

be good...

we've travelled over a mile to get to the last picture.
i wanted to post this because (as some of you will remember) i've got a thing about close ups.
my argument is that you see more when you're nearer than you do from far away.
and i think we miss a lot when we don't take notice of the little details around us.

anyway, this last shot is taken a few centimetres away from the wall, and i like it because when you get this close,
you also begin to notice other things....in this case, i discovered a lovely old mill pond on the other side of the wall.

i'd never have known it was there if i hadn't taken this shot.

that's the end of this journey.

it also marks the end of my regular blogging.
as someone once said in a carry on film  - i can't keep it up any more.

i may be back from time to time.

but in the meantime...
it's thank you and goodnight, from doris, rose, flossie, kev the chauffeur and everyone here on the isle of kevin!

now let's move a little closer to the wall, and see what life it's carrying...

the stone stores the warmth of the sun, and the moisture from the rain, which makes perfect growing conditions.
that's why i love the cotswolds so much and wish i could win the lottery so i could build a house there out of this stone.
i'd be happy to share my home,  just as this wall is doing!

we'll zoom in one more time, next time...

moving in closer now...
the cotswolds are famous for its stone.
it gives manmade structures a sense of belonging in the countryside, rather than being imposed on it.
you see this better, the closer you go.

like this stone wall, giving nature a ride on its back...

we'll move in a bit closer, next time...

... a bit closer now.
you can see how grand the houses are.
and how the sun seems to make the buildings glow.
there's nowhere quite like this - where just about every building is built from the same stone and looks like it belongs.

but we'll move in a bit closer, later...

we're going to start the day with a long view across a cotswold valley, towards an idyllic village.
a typical english scene....
it's the sort of view us e-gulls get as we glide in to land.
(double click the picture if you want to see it in full.)

later on, we'll zoom in a bit closer...

did i tell you i'd opened a theatre, by the way?
i told gordon the brown and he said: 'are you having me on?'
i said: 'well i'll give you an audition but i'm not promising anything.'

sorry....where was i?
oh, yeah...

i'm away for a couple of days.
got the call to see if i was interested in the england football managers job.
i said no thanks, i'm looking for a real challenge.
i'll offer them my new book 'how to...win a football game' instead.
that might help.

my money is on alan hansen.  he seems to know everything, so why doesn't he take it on?

anyway, be good won't you?

another of my amazing how to guides - by popular request...
this one is for anyone concerned by fading good lucks, or just worsening ugliness.
don't despair...just follow my tried and tested recipe and discover the secret of infernal youth.

this edition is sponsored by CRAP PACKS.  don't just use any old mud on your face.  slap on the crap and
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king tutankhamun;  'i'll try anything once" - joan collins;  'people used to say i was ugly, but look at me now!' - cherie blair....
SLAP A CRAP PACK ON YOUR MUSH TODAY!

many thanks to my sponsor.
now here goes with those youthful tips...

1. wear a paper bag over your face at parties and hum spice girls songs
2. keep your eyes open for young and attractive people while out shopping, and hit them with a stick...within a few short weeks, you'll look younger and better than any of them
3. strap a length of timber to your back to improve your posture
4. cut out pictures of gorgeous celebrities and stick them on your face until you find the perfect fit
5. immerse your face in a bucket of iced water ten times a day - this will freeze your face permanently and you will never age (small print - do not do this if you are ugly)
6. grab the loose skin on your face and clip it to your ears with a couple of clothes pegs
7. don't throw away paper plates, simply mould one to fit your jaw and strap it in place. you''ll achieve an iimmediate reduction from five chins to a seductive double chin;  paint it with dulux magnolia matt finish and no-one will ever know it's there
8. if your nose is too big and warty, buy a new one from the joke shop - it's bound to be an improvement
9. don't fret over those deep worry lines on your forehead, simply squeeze in ronseal wood filler and watch them disappear (small print - test out on a small area first;  if you get an allergic reaction, cross hatch the line with ink and call it an operation scar)
10. get rid of those wobbly bits the easy way - jump up and down on the spot for half an hour a day (small print - do not overdo this, you are at risk of slapping yourself to death).

don't forget to keep sending me those before and after photos, will you?

as king of the island, i need to set an example.
in fact, i regularly make an example of myself.

so far, i have banned racism, sexism, and ageism.
now i think it's time to tackle a new curse that threatens to destroy the very fabric of my trousers....FATTISM.

you can see it happening already on the isle of britain, can't you?
just as smokers have become the unclean ones.
now the isle of britain - which probably should be named the indig-nation, is getting holier than thou over fat people.

soon, you'll be banned from eating a jam doughnut in public.
you'll be frisked before you get on the train, in case you've hidden a hot dog in your lingerie.
you'll be weighed before you're allowed into work, and ordered to go to weight reduction therapy so you can suffer the ritual humiliation of doing nude aerobics in a high street shop window.

i've already spoken to gordon the brown (who is not exactly slimmer of the year) to complain about this.
and to tell his large assistant peter hain to leave large people alone, otherwise they'll have to cut back on their own banquets.

huge hain is the one who told us that around 2,000 people in britain are getting incapacity benefit because they are classed as
too fat to work.
now they're the latest easy target for our righteous indignation.
just as fatties are easy targets at school.

anyway, here on my island, it's entirely your choice....eat, drink, smoke and be merry...
just don't overdo it. 
if you do overdo it, and want to cut down,  flossie, doris, rose and i will give you helpful, private, discreet advice and support .

i promise you'll be respected as a person. not treated as some sort of freak.
easy, really.

i'll never eat chick pea curry and spam again...

(that's one recipe i don't want to find on nigella express).

have anything you like for dinner tonight...what would you have?

and while you're thinking about it...

i'd probably go for....
(large glass of irish while i study the menu)

fresh crab
medium rare ribeye steak, garlicky potato wedges, mushrooms, fried onion
pear pie with double cream

honest to god, my mouth is actually watering, just thinking about it...
i'm going to be in a right state when i read everyone else's...

i was wondering what the difference is...

a fable could be a story about a seagull who becomes king of an island.
he rules his kingdom wisely.
then, one day, he's a bit bored and he has a temper and decides he must go back to being a seagull again - just for one day.
he sees someone sitting on a bench eating a bag of chips.
he can't resist swooping down, and waits patiently for the boy to offer him a chip.
eventually, he does, but the chip is poisoned with lethal ketchup, and the seagull only just has the energy to
fly back to his bed chamber, become the king again, and slowly die as his adoring followers weep and wail outside his window.
his last words were: 'be satisfied with what you have got.'

a fairy tale would be about the king of an island who is turned into a seagull by his hated enemy the wicked witch.
to make life worse, she makes him a black seagull and he is shunned and despised by all other seagulls.
then, one day, he is pecking at worms in the field and a rather lovely crow sidles up next to him.
they look into each other's eyes and fall in love.
they fly round the island in the sunshine, relishing the fresh sea breeze.
then, far below, they see the islanders jammed into a pen near the ferry terminal.  the witch has a lighted torch and her
evil cohorts doris, flossie and rose are pouring petrol on the terrified crowd.
seagull and crow swoop down and peck the witches eyes out.  seagull grabs the flaming torch in his beak and drops it into
the sea.
doris, flossie and rose are condemned to serve in the ferry terminal cafe for the rest of their lives.
and a beautiful angel walks out through the crowd, blesses seagull and crow, and turns them back into a handsome king and a beautiful queen.

so the fable carries an obvious message.
the fairy story lets us decide if there's any message in it for us.

(i really enjoyed doing those - hope you like them!)

the latest in the series of my immensely popular 'how to...' guides. 
there are plenty more dotted around in my immensely popular blog site.
these guides are brought to you with the support of SCRAPE-IT-OFF .... the unique household cleaning product...
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at this time of year, many people start worrying about weather damage to their properties.
doesn't affect me, of course, because i am a world leader and i have a double glazed outside toilet.
still, some of my subjects live in more primitive conditions.
and i know it's even worse for people on the isle of britain.  some of you live in swindon, apparently.

so here are some helpful tips to guide you safely and warmly through the winter...

1. wear a waterproof hat in bed in case the roof leaks
2. sew carrier bags together and cut them to size for instant double glazing
3. cut holes in the carrier bags if you can't see what the weather is like
4. cut carrier bags into shapes and fit them to the holes you just cut in your double glazing system
5. stuff leftover food under the door to keep the draughts out
6. put a bowl of boiling water under the bed to provide constant warmth at night (and don't get it mixed up with the bed pan)
7. if you have a spare blanket, spread it over your roof (you might need some help with this so why not invite the neighbours round to a blanket lifting party)
8. remember that heat rises, so fix all your chairs, tables, beds  and televisions about half way up the wall
9. invite friends and family to stay, drug them and then use them as draught excluders round doors and windows
10. remove your loft.  thirty per cent of a building's heat is wasted if you don't have loft insulation - this can be an expensive and messy job - so be practical...who needs a loft anyway?

keep smiling!
keep warm!

...do anything you like tonight - go anywhere, with anyone, absolutely no limits...

what would you do?

number one in the popular series (?) - this week we learn about life for a new estate agent, starting out on a first day at work... 

10am - arrive at office;  break finger nail on door latch;  break down in tears;  comforted by passer-by...'never mind dear, i suppose you'll find a proper job one day'
11 - complete fingernail repair and answer first phone call from customer looking for a property available now, with a big garden;  about to tell him about a lovely bungalow but boss intervenes, digs out the cardboard box of unsold houses under his desk and whispers 'pick a few out of there, will you?'
12 - fifteen telephone offers on a house to deal with - all of them way over the asking price;  asks boss what to do;  'aw, take no notice - they're just my mates, larkin' about....helps keep prices up, you see - bit of competition is good for business darlin''
1.30 - proud moment as she writes out her first property description...shithole cottage, danken dreary, wales...'a fine beejew residense with running water rising through the newly damp proofed ground floor;  affords fine views over a number of similar properties;  ideal third home for people with more money than sense'
3.30 - survives her first disciplinary hearing, and escorts elderly couple mr and mrs screwball to view the property. tells them the vendor has just reduced the price. 'but you said it had only just come on the market?'  asks them to wait in the rather cramped outside toilet while she phones the boss.
4 - time to catch up on the news...

which is that falling house prices in the UK are causing buyers to pull out of property transactions in large numbers.
estate agents warn that the housing market is close to gridlock (where we have some lovely bungalows for sale).

6 - phones the temping agency.  'can you find me a job at a sewage plant,' she cries. 'anything's more dignified than this.'

i met a bloke with a didgeridoo.  he was playing 'dancing queen' by abba.
i thought - "that's aboriginal."

doris told me she's got a job at kev's bowling alley.
i said: "ten pin?"
she said: "no, permanent."

i went out with a mate for a game of darts.
he said: "nearest the bull goes first."
he went "baaaa".
i went "mooo".
he said: "you're closest."

i phoned the gym and asked if they could teach me to do the splits.
kev, the fitness instructor, said: "how flexible are you?"
i said: "i can't make tuesdays or thursdays."

in human colour psychology, red is the colour of energy and blood - it signals passion, anger and maybe violence.
it's not my favourite colour, but it is the colour of choice for my two current favourite birds...

the robin and the redshank, both of which i spotted on my travels yesterday....

robin redbreast popped out of a tree for his turn on post duty and struck a pose.
he gave me a look that said: 'come on, try it - if you think you're hard enough.'

meanwhile, mister redshank kept his distance.  i think he wanted to be alone.
(this picture isn't so grand because it was taken on a long lens and i didn't have my tripod.)

i can understand why the robin has a red chest.  they're aggressive birds and it must be quite
intimidating for a little sparrow to see this bright red cannonball heading towards you.
but why would the redshank have red legs, apart from just making it even more beautiful?

this strikes a major chord with me.
i expect it does with a lot of people.
naturally, it never applied to me.

in case the picture doesn't reproduce very well, homer is saying...
"I'm famous for my motivational skills.
"Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around."

one of the best things about life is how it surprises you.
for instance, who would have thought that on a freezing cold day, a little clump of grass could look so fantastic?
i suppose it wouldn't look so great if you happened to sit on it while not wearing pants, but that's easy to say with hindsight.

teach yourself warmth, by e-gull...

1. jump up and down a lot, preferably on someone you don't like very much
2. steal a duffle coat from the charity shop and put a photograph of the sun on your wall
3. put a bath towel over a steaming kettle then wrap it round your head
4. leave the kettle on all day and turn your pad into a steam room
5. get two pairs of boxing gloves so you can wear them on your feet too
6. borrow a dog from someone and stuff it down the front of your pullover
7. look at the menu in an old fashioned tea rooms, then run off with the tea cosy and wear it as a bob hat
8. get a four mile extension lead from B&Q and carry your electric fan heater with you
9. have a cold shower - you'll feel very warm when you come out
10. leave the computer on and hug the monitor tightly

look after yourselves, now!

i do try to look after my islanders.
they work hard at installing potholes and muddy ditches and stinging nettles to help deter tourists.
so i thought it was time to reward them.
so last night, i sent doris, rose, flossie and kev the chauffeur out with a giant kettle element which they dropped in the bay near my palatial fortress 'chateau kev'.
luckily they remembered to switch it on when we got up for breakfast this morning.

and here's the result.
a lovely warm, steaming sea - perfect for a dip on a cold, frosty morning.
it was nice to see folk stripping off and jumping in.
the sharks rather enjoyed themselves too.
well - they've got to eat, haven't they?

this was the sea off the south coast of the island this morning.  really nice effect watching the steam rise as the sun tried its best to take the chill off.

(see update 2...)

my reputation is in tatters (which is just outside wedlock, i believe).
how can i hold my end up ever again?  (answers on a postcard preferably from a rude girl).
what will they think of me at the clumsy club?

i fitted 20 sheets of glass today, and didn't drop a single one.
i had just one minor cut on my minor finger (not even the one i pick my nose with).

they're going to be horrified and i'll probably be drummed out of the club.

i need to do something to cement my position (now that does sound painful).

therefore, tonight, i have decided there shall be no sleep for me.
first i'm going to the all night hammer shop.
then i'm going to have a browse round the all night china shop.

only total destruction of their supply of tea pots and toby jugs (he's the owner) will do.

sleep well.
i won't.

exclusively for you (and everyone else who's interested) - exclusive news, exclusively good news!!
and still FREE!!

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:  Dear sir, when, oh when are the politicians of this so called great nation of ours going to get off their backsides and sort out the yobbos?  there's too much crime and i'm sick and tired of it. yours very angrily, chief inspector kev mackevin, scotland yard.

TOP STORY:  gordon the brown has been expelled from his own country after introducing new policies to control immigration.  it was pointed out that he comes from scotland.  he is now rumoured to be on holiday in eastern europe where he was shot as he swam off the beach.  police are hunting a man called blair.

NEWS:   local historian Mr R Kives has unearthed the real story of tutankhamun.  apparently he was a bookie in liverpool who escaped to egypt after fixing the odds on a horse race.  fabulously wealthy (the nag came in at ten to one - which isn't bad since it started the race at 12 30), he commissioned a gold mask to hide his identity.  he died three weeks ago and friends were shocked to see him on display in london.  his wife, edith tutankhamun, said:  'he had a heart of gold. it's bang out of order digging him up like that.  he donated his organs for research but the doctors sent them back. it's nice that people find him so interesting now, though.'

SPORT:  arse wangler, manager of arsen hole football club, has come third in the 'world's worst loser' competition.  on hearing the news, he threw his rattle out of his luxury directors box and screamed obscenities at age concern volunteeers who had arrived to give him his bath.

ENTERTAINMENT:  elvis costello, who claims to be a singer, said he is fed up of britain. mr costello has lived in america for 15 years.  a spokesman for britain said:  'we really don't care and he can't sing anyway. however, we would welcome him back with open arms if he wants a slot on strictly come dancing.'

remember me?
life president of the clumsy club?

well guess what i'm doing this morning...?
how did you know?
yes, i'm putting panes of glass into the lean to greenhouse i assembled this week.

they're packed into boxes.
there is only one of each kind and they are several different sizes.
so i have to remove each one and prop it somewhere, then measure it.
oh - and i have bird cold so i'll probably sneeze a lot.

today is going to be my proudest day as i qualify for world presidency, i reckon.
it will be laurel and hardy, mr bean and mr magoo all rolled into one.
neighbours will be putting benches by their bedroom windows to watch the fun, and charging admission.

all leave has been cancelled at the casualty department.
blood supplies are being flown in by a fleet of friendly gulls.

can't wait to get started...
but why are my hands shaking?

farewell, dear friends, farewell...

these pictures show the transformation achieved by a man and wife team, who have been busy turning blank and ugly walls into masterpieces all round america.
all this technical, serious talk about regeneration....let's just have more of this and make the world a better place!
sorted...

the first pic shows the wall of a shopping centre (i think it is close to washington dc) before they set to work...

now look at it! 

and here's a close up of the three dimensional effect...

well would you believe it - i've got a cold!
serves me right for yesterday's post.
but it's definitely not bird flu.

it's bird cold.

still, it's not stopped everyone panicking here on the island.
kev the chauffeur heard me sneeze in the night (what was he doing under my bed?) and immediately donned his decontamination suit -
which basically is his charity shop suit with bicycle clips on cuffs and ankles and a scarf round his face.

this set doris, flossie and rose off.
they stampeded down the stairs, smashed down the front door, and ran to the chemist in their billowing nighties - the police were inundated with calls from worried residents who swore that three parachutes were speeding down the high street and completely ignoring traffic signs.

after smashing the door down at kev's kemist. they gobbled down a few packets of tablets.
sadly, though, they misread the labels and spent the next two hours on the toilet.
i had to fight through my pain and misery to cancel all leave at the sewage plant.

but at least now i've got a bit of peace and quiet to reacquaint myself with the night nurse.
ahhh - that's better...
later, i'm going to fly down to the chemist shop for some beak spray, a hot water bottle for my nest, some tweeteners for my tea,
and i plan to have a hot boddy toddy at bedtime.

have a great day...

AAAAAACHEWWWW!