the isle of kevin

welcome to the third edition of eagle weakly, the only newspaper you will ever need to read - especially if it's good news you're after.

TOP STORY - More and more people are getting fat, and the government will legislate against  people who eat too much, according to john 'two pies' prescott and gordon 'stick a pie on top' brown, who are both fat.  Sources indicate that eating in a public place will be banned, as soon as government can get enough politicians out of the house of commons canteen and into the chamber to vote (after their cigar break).

LETTERS PAGE - Dear Eagle, I'm sick and tired of people who have nothing better to do than write letters to editors.  why don't they get off their backsides and fight for their country.  and if there isn't a war, let's start one soon.  yours truly, ozzy b lardarse (mrs)

LOCAL NEWS - patrick o'flaherty is cursing his greed after being offered exclusive rights to an everlasting pint of guinness. he asked the magic fairy if he could have two of dem, and the offer was withdrawn.   "i just taut it would last even longer if oi had anudder one,' he moaned. the magic fairy was unavailable for comment.
 
SPORT - 96 year old ronald sicknote has been approached by england soccer manager steve mcclaren to join his squad.  "he's asked me to play on the right wing and said if i need a rocket fuel cell for my zimmer frame, he'll sort it for me," said ron.  "he was very nice about it.  said i'd be less likely to get injured before the european qualifiers because i have never played football."  ron last kicked a ball when he was in a fight outside a night club in bombay.  his victim was later admitted to the men's soprano society welfare club for treatment.

ENTERTAINMENT - the big brother tv series ends tonight.  big daddy starts next week, starring six men who try to interest their wives in getting pregnant while they're out shopping.

i like this picture.
it gives me a nice feeling.
it's peaceful.
it's got air and water and the promise of a new start.

who knows what the flowers will look like when the buds open.
who knows when they will open.

it's all just waiting to happen, when all the conditions are right.

here's hoping the conditions are right for you.
and if they're not at the moment, maybe just looking at this picture will help you to be patient.

the optician tells me i can't have contact lenses that would work for reading and distance because i need lots of prisms in my lenses to prevent double vision.
apparently, though, i could have a minor op to realign the muscle around my rogue eye.
so i'll think about that.
meanwhile, i'll carry on walking into lamp posts and chatting up hat stands.
i didn't like his attitude much so i poked him in the eye.

i read in the paper there were a thousand jobs in jeopardy.
i went there but i couldn't find any.

someone told me they were born out of wedlock.
i said well why don't you go there and do some family history research.

the local paper says 50 per cent of islanders are overweight.
the article was written by suzanne pert.

don't miss the next edition of EAGLE WEEKLY, coming right up.

i'm sick and tired of flying around with glasses on.
it's not dignified and i get all sorts of crap in my face.

so i'm seeing the optician today to see about getting contact lenses.

i'm asking for lenses that make me look younger and everyone else look nice.

i've worn glasses since i was born.
i gather it was a painful birth for my mum, cos i weighed eleven pounds, and they were those big national health glasses.
ouch!

it's late, i'm tired...i'm going to try to write a poem....or maybe it's a song...

an oasis of light
in a dark world
that's where i want to be
it's what i want to be...

a stream of hope
that bathes the world
when daylight fades
and dark takes hold

the song of birds
that dries the tears
when morning breaks
and awakens fears

i don't know what that was. 
but i'm off to bed and i'll see what it looks like in the morning.

as an expert in all things, i have been asked for my views on the fact that divorces are now at their lowest level for thirty years.

pretty easy to unravel that one, i thought - could it be because there's hardly any married couples left?

anyway, i had to show willing, as a paid consultant to governments around the world.
so i produced a report in a ringbinder.

it was a report of manchester united's win over tottenham last weekend, but i don't think anyone noticed.
then i was asked to appear before a select committee at the house of commons, where as we know, fidelity in marriage is absolutely sacred.
i mean, when did you ever hear of a politician cheating on wife or husband?

wearing my ceremonial thinking gown and important hat, i told them wisely:
  if you want to keep the rate of divorce down, first of all impose severe birth control measures so folk can only have one child at most; keep schools open throughout the year, including christmas day, so children are kept away from their parents and the rest of us;  provide beer and sky sports for husbands on prescription;  and most importantly MAKE DIVORCE ILLEGAL so solicitors don't get rich at other people's expense.

i got a long round of applause, three encores, and another proposal of marriage from gordon brown.
i worry about him.

the picture below is genuine and was taken by a young boy...yet another fan of mine.

it shows his parents enjoying their scuba dive on holiday and posing for the picture.

the man is giving the hand sign because he has just seen his son, the photographer, behaving strangely and he wanted reassurance that he was ok.

immediately after taking the shot, the son sped off back to the boat, leaving his puzzled parents bemused.
when they got back to the boat, the son showed them the picture he had taken, and why he was freaking out.
they had no idea what was behind them.

look at the picture and tell me you wouldn't wet your pants...(can you wet wet suit pants?)

did you know that astronomers have found the biggest hole in the universe (and beyond, probably)?

it is nearly a billion light years across (to help you grasp the immensity, it would take a number seven bus being driven by
a formula 1 race driver at least four weeks to travel that distance).

it contains absolutely nothing...no stars, dust, gas, or dark matter (to help you grasp that concept, try to imagine the brains of all the world's leaders put together - like a summit meeting or something).

knowing richard branson as i do (he's a huge fan  of mine), i expect he is already organising holidays to the
"BIG HOLE RESORT"
within days of arriving there, people would be complaining there's nothing to do.
but i suppose the biggest market will be for gift trips - for people we don't like.

'oh thank you darling, i've always wanted to experience the big hole"
'ah, shucks, it's nothing, really."

technical information:  the hole is up there, in the sky.

see earlier post featuring the loveliest couple in the loveliest wedding outfits.
and marvel now at their wedding cake.
i fancy the fish fingers on the second layer up.  but i do like chocolate rolls quite a lot, too.
mmmmmm!

thought you'd like to see a picture of my wedding day.

you can't really tell she's up the tub, can you?
bless her, she tried her best with me hair.

i let the side down because i couldn't find a spare pocket for me fags.

oh, and i had to say sorry to dolores' mum after the dog tried to mate with her.
the dog is now receiving counselling but i think he'll be ok.

happy days!

the small print..
any resemblance to any person living or dead is entirely deliberate.
except i just want my loyal fans to know that it's not really me.

ok bloggers of the world, let's see how stressed you are.

all you have to do is look at these pictures for a while, then tell me if you see lots of movement...

and this one...

done it?
these eye tests are used to test stress levels.
apparently criminals and highly stressed people see lots of rapid movement in these patterns.
older people and children generally see none.

how did you get on?

prison officers in england and wales have walked out in a protest over pay and conditions....

we go behind the scenes at parkhurst.
come in, eagle eye...

"well here at parkhurst, as you can see, the situation seems very much under control.
max the mad axeman is rushing round with the vacuum, and is getting very annoyed at the level of dust on windowsills.
he has been joined by mass murderer ivan tapee who is going berserk with his feather duster.

several bank robbers have joined forces to organise a street collection to raise funds for a trip to burger king for lunch.
and other inmates are frantically running up tea cosies in the workshops for an impromptu tombola.

queues of local people are forming, willing to hand over £5 each for unofficial tours of the cells.  one lucky customer will get the chance to clean the toilets, for free - a job it seems none of the prisoners wants to take on.

safe breaker mac the knife is changing the locks, as we speak.

here at parkhurst, the word is that the prison offices are going to have a hard time getting back to work.

now it's back to the studio - i promised i'd help trim the hedges...."

john prescott is going to earn half a million pounds for his memoirs...

alastair campbell got twice that amount.

nurses, teachers and other public sector workers were the victims of more than 100,000 assaults last year.

four out of ten children will start secondary school next month with a poor grasp of the three Rs.

young people are finding it impossible to get onto the housing ladder as just about every desirable area of britain is being swamped by second home owners.

presumably, none of these pieces of information will make their way into john's memoirs.

the word on the streets is that power dressing is back.

i quite like this one...

i can't wait to see what my clever friends at google ads will link to this post.  please let me know if you spot anything zany, like
BUY SNAILS ON EBAY, or TORTOISESHELL JEWELLERY, won't you?

this was a nice sight as i did flew round the island today.
tourists are always fooled by this.
they all nod sagely and talk about how they wish they had a boat, or look knowledgeably at the sky and tut wisely about
wind direction, or - more usually - shout things like

AVAST BEHIND, or maybe
SHIVER ME TIMBERS

what they fail to realise is that these are in fact sharks.
very big ones which have learned the art of camouflage after years doing laps of the isle of kevin and being held up by prats in boats.

gipsy moth IV was in fact a shark that sir francis chichester rode all the way to australia.
tracey edwards did not sail single handed round the world - she was just leaning back on her giant shark fin, writing memoirs
and eating pies.

beautiful creatures, aren't they?

it's not easy being a gull farmer you know.
did you not know where sea gulls came from?
the ones in the air have just been harvested, and the ones on the ground are waiting for the gull plough to release them from
their seed pods.

lovely sight innit?

this was the scene at a farm at wellow on the isle of wight this morning.
i think the ploughman's hair was white by the time he got home.

further down the food chain, probably at a bed and breakfast hotel, someone is going to say...
'excuse me waiter, i have gull in my weetabix.'

next week - rabbit farming.  is it the easiest job in the world?

why have you put an advert on my blog advertising lorry driving lessons?
i thought i'd get proper ones, like...

• how to put creases down the front of in your underpants (and neat turnups)
• how to cheat on television phone ins (order now from bbc books)
• earn money by not blogging (we pay you to stop writing such crap)
• buy EBAY on ebay
• top gadgets, rock bottom prices (plus £50 postage)

ps - i can only assume you have done some research on my blog friends list and discovered that 75 per cent of them once filled in an application form and said they wanted to drive a lorry.
in which case i apologise and look forward to earning lots of money from referrals.

dawn broke, so i had to get out of bed to apply elastoplast.

breakfast was served - which prompted me to ask why couldn't it look after itself.
my waiter was Stu D'Prunes. 
is that your real name, i asked.
no, he said, i was actually christened Wendy Boatcomesin.

i went for a jog but i couldn't find one.

i went to the toilet but the seat lid was down so i couldn't use it.  it was closed, you see.

i played mantovani, but he was too good for me so i had a game of whist, and whist i hadn't bothered.

i turned on the tv - by gyrating in front of the screen wearing only my newly pressed y fronts and black socks.
it immediately switched to the x files for some reason.

i ate prawns - sorry, i hate prawns.  that's because all they do all day is tread water in front of sewage pipes.

i went to bed and dreamed i ate a giant marshmallow.
when i woke up, my pillow was missing.

this is an urgent online plea for help.
would someone call me a doctor?
thanks.
could you call me something else now, please....er, how about...your holiness.

where does personality come from?

i am clumsy and would like to meet like-minded accident prone people.

no sooner was i able to sit in a high chair than i fell out and cut my baby lip open.
i couldn't just land on the carpet, oh no.
i knocked my plate off first, waited till it smashed into jagged bits, THEN fell onto it.

i learned to walk.
i fell over and broke my leg.
it was set in plaster and after a short time my mum got worried because the leg smelled bad.
i was rushed in to hospital, the plaster was ripped open, to reveal a rotting mixture of peas, beans, pies, that sort of stuff, that i'd
pushed down inside.

i learned to ride a bike.
not paying attention, i rode straight into a parked car, flew right over the top of it and ended up sitting on someone's doorstep like
a drunk.

i played football.
i broke my big toe, and carried on playing.
i fell badly and dislocated my thumb - carried on playing.

i go to rented olde worlde cottages and ALWAYS hit my head on the door - repeatedly.
why don't i learn?

i do woodwork and diy type jobs - so far, i have chainsawed my wrist, just missing an artery ("oh it's nothing, just a flesh wound"); chiselled slices out of my fingers; smashed by thumb with a hammer; and, of course, hit my head on the doorframe of my own shed.

is there anyone else out there who is clumsy, or knows why some people are clumsy, and some are not?
if you can help, or make me feel better by telling me how clumsy you are, you can join my clumsy club - FREE!
just be careful when you turn up for the first meeting, though, will you? mind the step.

i've grown up now.
grown ups aren't clumsy.
this shouldn't be happening....
DAMN!
i think i must have hit the keyboard too hard.
i've broken my finger.

i was wondering, like, right, you know, about blogs, yeah?
and i was thinking, right?
it's quite difficult, sort of thing, innit?  to write like you speak.

and then i thought - why don't we all do podcast blogs or something, where we actually say what we think, instead
of carefully typing it out, crossing it out cos it's not witty enough, or changing our minds at the last minute.

and then i thought - that's a really stupid idea, cos it's actually quite nice to shut the door and type things like this out
knowing that no-one is looking at me or listening to my northern accent, or saying 'WHAT?!"

that's probably why we blog isn't it?

it's a nice change from talking, maybe?
wot do you think?
why do you do blog? does it actually make you feel better?
is it just a habit thing, like smoking. or snacking?

millions of people are blogging... i wonder why?

1.  name the most perfect holiday of your dreams - where would you go?
YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID - SOUTH AMERICA

2. how would you get there - luxury cruise, rolls royce, a ride on my back...?
ON MY OWN 50 FOOT YACHT (if i had one)

3. name the person you'd like to be there with you
LORNA

4.. name the drink you would order from the beach bar - a bottle of...?
ICE COLD HOEGARDEN (or however you spell it)

5. what would you order for dinner?
RIB EYE STEAK, SAUTE POTATOES, BIG MUSHROOMS

and the person with the most correct answers was...me.

(am i doing this meme thing right, or what? 
where's my prize then?)

oh and any entries received after this are DISQUALIFIED.
think i'm stupid?

1.  name the most perfect holiday of your dreams - where would you go?
2. how would you get there - luxury cruise, rolls royce, a ride on my back...?
3. name the person you'd like to be there with you
4.. name the drink you would order from the beach bar - a bottle of...?
5. what would you order for dinner?

(i've never tried a meme before.  they're alright aren't they?)

i knew a man who...

• never drank alcohol
• never smoked tobacco
• never had sex.

He died of nothing.

so it seems that one day we will really be able to go back in time.
the idea is that a clever scientist, having discovered how to create a portal in space by bending space and time, then travels back and equips someone from the past with the same ability.
then, once that's done, we could all decide to take a holiday in the past.
more likely to be our children's children, i suppose.

just think....
one day, there could be a knock on your door, and - blimey! - it's your great-great=granddaughter.
as far as she's concerned, you've been dead for about eighty years.
"i was bored, you see," she'll say.
"there was nothing on tele, and mum was being rolled to the obesity clinic again. so i thought i'd pop round and see what you really looked like."

it would a very impressive scientific achievement.
but i'm already feeling sorry for historical figures.
they won't get a minutes peace will they?

"oh who the hell is it now?"
"fred and alice slugg, your majesty."
"well can't you tell them i'm busy taking this arrow out of my eye?"

william shakespeare will NEVER finish a play or a sonnet.
henry the eighth will have no energy for sex.
and ida roebuck will be the first woman to walk on the moon.

still.
it's nice to have something to look forward to.

...when i might this night club comedian.
i said "how's the wife?"
he said: "i wouldn't say my wife was ugly, but the mice throw themselves on the traps when she gets home from the colliery".
i said: "so she's not an attractive woman then?"
he said: "i wouldn't say my wife was attractive, but..."
as he seemed a bit stuck, i tried to help him out..
"is she on the large size?"
his face lit up.
"i wouldn't say my wife was fat, but when she gets in the bath, the water gets out.'

i laughed dutifully and offered to buy him a drink.
he said: "i wouldn't say my wife likes a drink, but - "
"no, no" i said to him, patiently, "i was asking if YOU want a drink".
he looked lost.

well, it's not easy switching off from work is it?

i once knew a bus conductor, who carried on when he got home...
"move down the hall, please, thanking you. have my dinner on the table, thanking you. come on son, give up your seat for the elderly, thanking you."

i've been quite lucky because i've always had the ability to leave work behind.
but part of me quite liked the idea of marrying a stripper.

she looked like a film star...rita hayworth, probably.